FINDING LOVE

She was a sweet young woman, searching for the love she knew would be hers alone.  She believed in
love more strongly than any material item.  Perhaps because she longed for love more than anything
else in the universe.  There must be one that will love her, protect her, and bring peace to this sweet
young soul.  So young, so naive, and so beautiful. 

As she searched, lovers came and left.  Some, like a flash in the pan, came and went without much
of a thought.  Others stayed for a while, but proved not to be the love she searched and longed for.
There were those that moved on peacefully, while others left her bruised, scarred, and leery of her
search.  Search she did, determined that she would never give up.

As with all of us, time goes by and the beautiful, naive young woman grew older, and experience
had made her wiser.  The body was much older than her years, and had been through so much.  It
looked haggard and tired from time and turmoil.  She began to believe that love was never to be hers.
Her mind was going, and she believed there would be no one on this planet who would think the
failings and scars of her body and mind  were worth the trouble to have any kind of relationship with her.
There wasn't anything she could do about the physical and emotional scars.  The scars of the body weren't
so bad, only because it was a temporary vessel and were not who she was.  It used to look like her, sort
of, but that seemed like many years ago.

Her mind; however, was scrambled, weak and weary.  She had moments of clearheadedness, times when
she felt alive, youthful, and most importantly - hopeful.  Mostly they were just that - moments.  Mostly she
felt like she was losing her mind, and perhaps she was.

She heard voices that no one else could hear, and they mostly told her to harm herself.  Their favorite was
burning, telling her to find or make something hot, so she could hold it on herself long enough to make
the burns deep, and the scars hideous.  Surprisingly, the burning didn't hurt, in fact it was almost euphoric.
She enjoyed feeling the heat against her skin.  It seemed like it was the only thing she would ever feel.
There would be no warmth from a love next to her, no heart warming glances, or games of footsies.  There
would be no one to hold her tight, and make love with her.  She simply gave up.

She had come to a point where she was feeling especially tired, ready to give up, and leave the earth on
which she was living.  It was a night of a full moon, when the day and night were almost in perfect
balance.  The voices were especially strong that night, and encouraged her to burn herself until she bled
to death.  She tried, she burned eight new scars into herself, but she didn't bleed.  Then the voices were
telling her to take a bunch of the medicines all of her doctors had her on, to take hands-full of everything,
and that was a lot of medicine!  Suddenly she heard a voice of a woman, a beautiful voice that reminded
her of her mother.  She was saying to call Adrian -  he worked at the office of one of her many doctors
he could be trusted, so she made the call.  He was sending her to the hospital, maybe that would help this
time.  If not, she'd find another way when she got out.

She felt like she was in hell.  The voices were screaming at her to find another way immediately, even in
the hospital.  She found ways, but had met someone.  She could talk to him about so many things.  He
was intelligent, interesting, good looking, and more importantly, he was interested in seeing her more
after they got out of the hospital.  They had a lot of the same interests.  He enjoyed classic movies and
books, was interested in things she had written, and mostly made her smile a lot, and feel young.

At last, she found him. He was "the one."  The one she had searched for and could only dream of
until now.  She saw so much in his eyes, truth, love, tenderness, and so much more... she could see
eternity and beyond.  When he held her, she could hear the Gods and Goddesses of the Universe
singing with their angels at the joy of this union, while their beautiful young souls danced as one.
She found her Heaven in the very depths of Hell.  This was the love she knew was hers alone.
Finally she was loved, cherished, and accepted.  What a wonderful feeling that was.  She'd heard
of it, believed it could happen, but in her latter years figured it was just not to be.  Not in this lifetime.
Not for her.

As their love grew, so did the reasons for love.  She found renewed purpose in her life, renewed life in
her purpose.  It all started to make so much sense.

This is very autobiographical. I wrote it shortly after I met my sweetest love. He has inspired a lot of my recent writing and
creativity, as well as giving new meaning to some of my older work.