FINDING LOVE

She was a sweet young woman, searching for the love she knew would be hers alone.  She believed in
love more strongly than any material item.  Perhaps because she longed for love more than anything
else in the universe.  There must be one that will love her, protect her, and bring peace to this sweet
young soul.  So young, so naive, and so beautiful. 

As she searched, lovers came and left.  Some, like a flash in the pan, came and went without much
of a thought.  Others stayed for a while, but proved not to be the love she searched and longed for.
There were those that moved on peacefully, while others left her bruised, scarred, and leery of her
search.  Search she did, determined that she would never give up.

As with all of us, time goes by and the beautiful, naive young woman grew older, and experience
had made her wiser.  The body was much older than her years, and had been through so much.  It
looked haggard and tired from time and turmoil.  She began to believe that love was never to be hers.
Her mind was going, and she believed there would be no one on this planet who would think the
failings and scars of her body and mind  were worth the trouble to have any kind of relationship with her.
There wasn't anything she could do about the physical and emotional scars.  The scars of the body weren't
so bad, only because it was a temporary vessel and were not who she was.  It used to look like her, sort
of, but that seemed like many years ago.

Her mind; however, was scrambled, weak and weary.  She had moments of clearheadedness, times when
she felt alive, youthful, and most importantly - hopeful.  Mostly they were just that - moments.  Mostly she
felt like she was losing her mind, and perhaps she was.

She heard voices that no one else could hear, and they mostly told her to harm herself.  Their favorite was
burning, telling her to find or make something hot, so she could hold it on herself long enough to make
the burns deep, and the scars hideous.  Surprisingly, the burning didn't hurt, in fact it was almost euphoric.
She enjoyed feeling the heat against her skin.  It seemed like it was the only thing she would ever feel.
There would be no warmth from a love next to her, no heart warming glances, or games of footsies.  There
would be no one to hold her tight, and make love with her.  She simply gave up.

She had come to a point where she was feeling especially tired, ready to give up, and leave the earth on
which she was living.  It was a night of a full moon, when the day and night were almost in perfect
balance.  The voices were especially strong that night, and encouraged her to burn herself until she bled
to death.  She tried, she burned eight new scars into herself, but she didn't bleed.  Then the voices were
telling her to take a bunch of the medicines all of her doctors had her on, to take hands-full of everything,
and that was a lot of medicine!  Suddenly she heard a voice of a woman, a beautiful voice that reminded
her of her mother.  She was saying to call Adrian -  he worked at the office of one of her many doctors
he could be trusted, so she made the call.  He was sending her to the hospital, maybe that would help this
time.  If not, she'd find another way when she got out.

She felt like she was in hell.  The voices were screaming at her to find another way immediately, even in
the hospital.  She found ways, but had met someone.  She could talk to him about so many things.  He
was intelligent, interesting, good looking, and more importantly, he was interested in seeing her more
after they got out of the hospital.  They had a lot of the same interests.  He enjoyed classic movies and
books, was interested in things she had written, and mostly made her smile a lot, and feel young.

At last, she found him. He was "the one."  The one she had searched for and could only dream of
until now.  She saw so much in his eyes, truth, love, tenderness, and so much more... she could see
eternity and beyond.  When he held her, she could hear the Gods and Goddesses of the Universe
singing with their angels at the joy of this union, while their beautiful young souls danced as one.
She found her Heaven in the very depths of Hell.  This was the love she knew was hers alone.
Finally she was loved, cherished, and accepted.  What a wonderful feeling that was.  She'd heard
of it, believed it could happen, but in her latter years figured it was just not to be.  Not in this lifetime.
Not for her.

As their love grew, so did the reasons for love.  She found renewed purpose in her life, renewed life in
her purpose.  It all started to make so much sense.

This is very autobiographical. I wrote it shortly after I met my sweetest love. He has inspired a lot of my recent writing and
creativity, as well as giving new meaning to some of my older work.

PRINCESS

You are the daughter of a king

That's why I call you my princess

God in Heaven created you

And sent you to me, my life to bless

He knew I wasn't perfect

Before He chose me as your mother

He also knew I could learn and grow

And love you like no other

He knew we'd share some growing pains

And struggles along our way

But my love for you has only grown

With every passing day

I want to be a better mom 

The one on whom you can depend

You can talk to me about anything

My love for you will never end

He created and loved you first

And sent you to me as a Heavenly Gift

I pray for you, and love you so

This love gives my spirit a lift

So my princess, daughter of The King

I am honored Our Father chose me

I am so proud to be your mom

My love will grow throughout eternity.

~Gaylene

This was written a few years back for all four of my daughters. The main purpose was an attempt to communicate to them that they were the precious gems of my life - a gift from Heaven that I cherished, and wanted to show how honored I was (and, by the way, still am) to be their mom. Happy Birthday Shalla, my oldest daughter, and one of these gems in my life.

SENSES

Hear

Leaves rustling in the wind

      As the sounds change

      Moment by moment

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

See

Clouds making shapes in the sky

      Morphing from mushrooms into dogs

      Then from dogs into seahorses

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

Smell

The air after a good rain

     Scents of cleanliness

     Sweet smells of new blossoms

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

Touch

Cool water rushing through fingers or toes

      In a river or waterfall

      As if it has an urgency to be someplace else

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

Taste

Wild berries freshly picked

      Eating by the handfuls

      Refreshingly sweet and juicy

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

To hear, see, smell, touch, and taste you

Being held and feeling safe, beautiful and loved

     Our connection could only
     Be made by the Heavens

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

~Gaylene


This one I wrote after I began a search for unity with the universe.  It came to me after a beautiful period of meditation, and to me, it speaks with a lot of power.

S. A. M.

We search the world over for our one true love
And we call them our soul mate
But what of our truest friends
The one who is there when so called love fades
Or we see the ugliest side 
Of the one we thought was made for us.

What of the friend that feels your pain
Knows everything about you 
And loves you anyway
When there is no romantic
Or sexual desire
But all you feel for them is love

This is not something to cheapen
By calling them a friend
The nearest thing to compare it to is sister
But even siblings fight bicker and estrange
I've often wondered the best term for such a relationship
Then I heard of Soul Twins

I find it the most accurate and beautiful phrase
To describe my feelings for you.
You feel my pain, understand me like you are in my mind
And listen to my woes and advise as needed
The Universe put us together as it would lovers
But as sisters, in the most beautiful way

I believe you are my soul twin
Forever to be sisters and friends
There is no force that can separate us
Either in this life or another
We will always have each other
With the inseparable bond of souls.

 ~Gaylene

Whenever I look back on my life, whether in times of joy, sadness, celebration, or trauma, there is one person that has been
there for me. She has held me up, kept me grounded, laughed, cried, advised, and listened quietly. Nobody in my life has
been as loyal to me as she. I have called her my "sister" for almost a quarter of a century, and this is a tribute to her. Today,
on her birthday, I want to celebrate her life, and how she has touched mine. I love you Sam, Happy Birthday!! 

OF US

Your eyes
Are they windows
To your soul?
Or a reflection
Of mine?
Or both?

There is such light
And color 
Dancing
Twirling
Jumping
Laughing
As if celebrating
A union
Or a reunion
Perhaps something even greater 
A physical consciousness 
A recognition 
Of something 
That has always been 
Will always be 

Two separate physical beings
Learning as individuals 
And as one 
Sharing 
What we wonder 
What we learn 
What we feel 
What we believe 
Where we have been 
Where we are 
Where we wish we were 
Where we are going 
Who we are 
Who we are supposed to be 
Why we are here 
Why we stay 
How we live 
How we've lived 
How we love 
How we've loved 
How we've won 
How we've lost

The magic and mystery 
Of love 
Of life 
Of us.

~Gaylene

I met my sweet love Alex in what was for me, the Depths of Hell. For once in my life I have a partner in pure love. Someone said that when you find the one you would die for, you've found the one to live for. He is that to me. Posting this on The Day of Love is my tribute to him. Happy Valentine's Day my love!!

PINK RIBBONS

In my hair for a first grade picture - simplicity

On white paper wrapping toasters and blenders - incipiency

For my princess's flower girl dress - innocence

In mother's memory - forlornness

and then...

The universal symbol of me -

Mutilation

Consternation

Abandonment

and finally...

Determination

Omnipotence

Survivor

~Gaylene

Reposted for my 11 year remission anniversary, which is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

This is one of my favorite poems that I have written. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer just days after my 34th birthday, I had surgery, a combination of three chemotherapy medications, and six weeks of intensive radiation therapy (which not many people realize causes 2nd and 3rd degree burns). My doctor declared that I was in remission just before my 35th birthday, and have been in remission ten years now; this is in no small part due to the support of my sister, my children, and many other family and friends who helped me stick it out and muster through.