Laying In The Dark

Laying in the dark
Somewhere between Sunset
and Moonrise
Alone with them
The ones that speak only to me
Her last word to me
“BITCH” echoes nonstop
as They reaffirm her sentiment
over and over.
Tears burn down my cheeks
as They repeat again and again
“You deserve the pain and torment,”
for if “Terrible” and “Horrible” had a face,
it would be mine.
Lonely in the dark, I'm afraid to sleep
Sleep brings dreams of faces with the voices,
punishment, burning,
abandonment,
terror for the Terrible,
horror for the Horrible.
I would awaken with muted screams
and gasps for breath.
So I lay in the dark,
alone with them.

~Gaylene

Darkness

the light of the sun

rises in the east

and so, some would say,

does the darkness

of night

i spent so much time

running

trying to catch the light

longing for the day

i could escape the darkness

then we found each other

my soul screamed

that it was about time

you showed me

the moon and stars

the beauty of the night

and our souls danced

to the songs

of the gods,

the goddesses,

and their angels

as they sang in joy

of our union

or reunion

i've known you forever

and such a short time

this life

is a grain of sand

in the ocean of eternity

you and i forever

as it should be

as it's always been

my sweetest love

~Gaylene

SHEKHINAH

Shekhinah
There is comfort in thy presence

Shekhinah
When I seek you I feel peace

Shekhinah
You've pure sweet love, as a mother's

Shekhinah
You give me hope that I long for

Shekhinah
With you I'm not afraid

Shekhinah
I shall ever sing your praises

Shekhinah
Come dwell within my heart

Shekhinah
I'll never be alone

~Gaylene

I have been learning of different theologies and philosophies in the last several moths, and have found beauty in most (or at least many) of them. Shekhinah is one of the many pearls I have found, and perhaps one of my favorites.

From The One Not Allowed To Mourn

From the naive sixteen year old
That thought you were the coolest
Best friends mom

From the joyous bride
That knew you were the best
Husband's mom

From the one with a new babe in her arms
That knew you were one of the smartest
Of any mom

From the sorrowful young woman still learning
Blessed that it was now you
Her only mom

From the woman crying at the courthouse
Dissolving all of the ties
That made you her mom

From the mother of five teens and tweens
Glad to know that you were there
Their grand-mom

From the one not allowed to mourn
Wishing she could still
Call you "mom"

~Gaylene

OUBLIETTE

How much lower can a person get
Than drowning in an oubliette

They've lobotomized and pithed my brain
If I wasn't then, I'm now insane

Spinning down the vortex to hell
Where my soul will forever dwell

Save me from this cursed pit
Else by fate, I shall perish in it

I seek divine, truth, and light
But feel darkness as the night

Nighttime shines with moon and stars
Gods and goddesses from afar

Certainly They can lead me out
Toss me a line, show me the route.

Or if I'm to perish where I've been thrust
Here this body shall turn into dust

My soul will be free 'til time has an end
To join with my sister, lover, and friend.

Or send my soul to the Chamber of Guf
Perhaps this lifetime wasn't enough

I have just one wish when to my next life I ascend
I will have my sister, lover, and friend

~Gaylene

This was written over the last few days, it took a while to "give birth" to it, but as many, sometimes the best take time to come out. I am very happy with this poem, and hope you read it and see/feel the positive message I'm trying to convey.

FREEDOM

Imprisoned by darkness,
I was scarred and frightened
The horror of it all.
Overpowered – physically, emotionally, mentally.
I had the scars to prove it.
But I found the keys for my release.
Although a difficult task,
Seemingly impossible at times,
The keys were not out of my reach.

I shouldn't have to do this,
But I do.

I forgive,
And I'm free.

~Gaylene

This was written several years ago. I have since found, that for myself, forgiveness isn't always an option. Theoretically it's a wonderful concept, but some things and some people are just unforgivable. The same can be said of "forgetting" ... some things are unforgettable as well, I've found that sometimes the best that can be done is to put it in your past and try to make it something that is just that ... a piece of your past that can be wrapped up and put in a dark corner, and try like hell to not allow it to affect your current sense of self

SWEETEST

I tell everyone how so wonderful you are
It's about time I tell you
You own my heart, mind, body, and soul
And taught me about loving true

You make me want to do better
For with my flaws you accept me still
We have perfect love and trust
And I know we always will

Though I say some crazy things at times
You understand the source
You know my heart and soul
And get me back on the right course

I swore I'd never fall in love again
But you managed to steal my heart
It's fragile, so please take care of it
Because its yours now - every part

I am so glad The Gods sent me a man
Who is sensitive and strong
You are compassionate and sweet, yet tough
In your arms nothing is wrong

You stand beside me, and never let me down
That's something I've only dreamed of
I'm finally safe to be myself
While you teach me about love

So darling mine, I hope you see
How wonderful you are
You're way beyond my wildest dreams
And outshine the brightest star.

~Gaylene

I started writing this a short time back and finished it in the tranquility of the High Sierras while I was in California for what was probably my final reunion with my entire family. While I had a wonderful time, I missed my sweetest so very much. I was inspired while I was there, how to complete this poem. I'm real happy with it's turn out.

DADRE

How do I put into words the feelings
This baby is now a woman
This woman now has a baby
Your role is now reversed

Remembering you as a baby
Running through the front yard nekkid
The minute we'd get home from church
I double-dog-dare ya!

Watching you as a woman
You and your little family
The loyalty and love you give them
But then, you've always been loyal and loving

Our rolls have reversed
You take me to the store
And make sure I have meals, not just food
I'm proud to call you Dadre

Love,
Madre

~Gaylene

Happy Birthday Buggy. I love you Dadre. Remember, Verhanika, you were named by and for your grandmother before you were even born. She's a great woman to live up to, just as you're proving to be. I love you, and love is forever.

DREAMING

Running from an unseen monster
I finally reach my front door
And it will not open
BEEP !! BEEP !! BEEP !!
I slam the snooze bar.

I know I've seen him before
Oh, he's the one in all those movies
And he's walking this way
BEEP !! BEEP !! BEEP !!
I slam the snooze bar.

Sitting around a table talking
With my long gone friends
As if it were an everyday occurrence
BEEP !! BEEP !! BEEP !!
I slam the snooze bar.

I look into your eyes and see your soul
Troubles and pain flee with your touch
You hold me in your arms and we are one
Someone pinch me!
Let this be real.

~Gaylene

This was written a few years ago, but like most of my poetry, there is new meaning behind it. Once again sweetest
love has given it more purpose, and when I read it he's the only one on my mind.

FERRAH

All the things we'll never do
Are like a knife in my heart
No games of Peek a Boo
Or PawJay's "pull my finger" farts

Grammy Awards and Girl Parties
Will have an empty seat
For our precious little one
We never got to meet

There'll be no weekends learning
To ride a scooter or a bike
Or tackling math with fractions
But that could be something you'd like

Are you with G.G. and Grandma Jean
Awaiting a better birthday
Or are you there forever
Waiting for us to come your way

You will always be my first
Oh granddaughter sweet
I can't wait to see your face
And finally hold you when we meet.

Love,
Grammy
 ~Gaylene

This was written for my first granddaughter, Ferrah, who sadly passed away before she was able to be
born. We were waiting with anticipation for her birth, but she couldn't make it past the second trimester.
I love her and will always miss her forever. I will miss all the things we will never get to do, all the talks
we'll never have, and all the hugs we'll never share. 

CREATION

Baking with my daughter
We share a lesson in creation

“Can we make chocolate chip cookies
without the morsels?”
I guess we will today
since you put them all
in your milk this morning.

“What will we call them?”
They'll be our chocolate-chipless cookies,
and they'll be wonderful.

“I want to wrap some
in purple paper and take them
to Aunt Jonnie”
We don't have purple,
but green will be pretty.

“Will Aunt Jonnie love
chocolate-chipless cookies
in green wrappers?”
Aunt Jonnie will love them
because you loved them first,
and the color of the wrapper
won't change what's inside.

“We can auntie my new left arm
with the moving elbow and fingers that bend”
My own left hand holds a plate of cookies,
I smile down to my right and see
beautiful plastic chocolate against vanilla fingers.

Her “wrapper” may be a different color,
and not all of the parts are perfect,
But how could I not love her
knowing He created and loved her first.Baking with my daughter
We share a lesson in creation

“Can we make chocolate chip cookies
without the morsels?”
I guess we will today
since you put them all
in your milk this morning.

“ What will we call them?”
They'll be our chocolate-chipless cookies,
and they'll be wonderful.

“ I want to wrap some
in purple paper and take them
to Aunt Jonnie”
We don't have purple,
but green will be pretty.

“ Will Aunt Jonnie love
chocolate-chipless cookies
in green wrappers?”
Aunt Jonnie will love them
because you loved them first,
and the color of the wrapper
won't change what's inside.

“ We can auntie my new left arm
with the moving elbow and fingers that bend”
My own left hand holds a plate of cookies,
I smile down to my right and see
beautiful plastic chocolate against vanilla fingers.

Her “wrapper” may be a different color,
and not all of the parts are perfect,
But how could I not love her
knowing He created and loved her first.

~Gaylene

This is from a few years back, it has nothing to do with any personal experiences, but I believe the message is clear. The physical appearance, color, and imperfections don't matter. We are all children of The Universe, and we all need love - irregardless of our differences.

SELFISH

Just who is the selfish one
When someone suicides?
The one who just has passed
Or the ones they left behind?

The one just passed you see has gone
Amidst threats of Hell and strife
And feel eternity of hell to them
Is heaven to compared to this life

For the mourners who truly loved them
There's nothing you could have done
They knew and felt the love you shared
But with burdens were overrun

They're not selfish for having burdens
That are too much to bare
And leaving this world for another
Or leaving those with love to share

Realize that love will never die
Even though the body needs release
They've gone to a place of perfect love
And their souls are finally at peace

So go ahead and mourn and cry
But let them rest with serenity
Remember all the happy times
Join them in amenity

~Gaylene

Just written today, I think this basically says it all. There are a lot of things that run through a persons mind before this decision is made, especially their loved ones. It's not an easy choice, but for some it is the only choice. Let them go. Allow them to rest peacefully, and become one with their gods and goddesses.

NUMBERED DAYS

My days are numbered

      or so it seems

From maniacal days

      to horrific dreams

How long am I expected

      to continue this life

I'm but a shell of myself

      my soul filled with strife

My mind is quickly going

      or perhaps already gone

I feel my life and soul

      being pulled and drawn

Life after life - or death as it's called

      seems so much better

I'm the one that is forced to "live"

      secluded from the world in a cloister

How do I love the ones I don't know

      or not fear "strangers" I've known for years

I would be better remembered as I was

      by my family, friends, and peers

Death will not come today

      nor in the real near future

When I choose the time, and I will

      I will have a peaceful departure

Don't cry or mourn for me too long

      remember life has no end

I'll simply slip to another place

      reuniting with family and friends

I've lived my life and fought the fight

      it's not the years but the miles

One shit sundae after another

      let me roam in The Heavens' Aisles

      ~Gaylene

This one is very new, just written yesterday in fact.  It comes from the deepest parts of my soul - my very being.  From the Bi-Polar roller coaster to the Alzheimer's, and everything in between, sometimes it just seems like more than I can OR SHOULD have to live with.  When I get to the the point where I don't remember the names of my grandchildren, and my children and loved ones become strangers that I don't remember, it will be too much for me.  How do I convince a grandchild that I love them even though I don't remember who they are, and with my fear of strangers, panicking every time I see a "stranger" isn't how I'm going to be willing to live, so I'm not going to let it get to that point. I've got time, months or maybe even years, so don't start bidding on my possessions just yet  ~:o} 

HORSE

You were recommended by the best,
So I took your ride.
You took my pain ~ what I didn't know 
     You also took my mind
     And my heart
I welcomed the fog in which I lived,
For it was far better than the pain.

The season changed,
It was time for the fog to be lifted.
And there was I ~
     Demanding you leave
     Yet aching for you to stay
Your horse-like strength,
Not letting me want to let go.

But you were unavailable,
I couldn't  get you,
So the nightmares began
     Too weak on my own
     Searching for strength, from where?
You were no longer holding me,
I found peace in the arms of my savior.

I haven't encountered stronger than you,
I've endured the trials.
And I've made it through
     I will come out stronger than I was
     And stronger than you
As a horse
By the grace of God

 ~Gaylene

I wrote this one when I was forced into a "dry detox" to get me off of Oxycontin, Morphine, and Percoset. They 
had been prescribed for daily use at a time when my doctors didn't really expect me to live and therefore wouldn't
have to take me off of them.  But I surprised them! I lived, and they had to get me off the drugs.  So off I went 
to the rehab center, where basically I was treated like any other "junkie" - no empathy, just me to get off these
narcotics which were the literal chemical equivalent of Heroin.  Heroin is sometimes referred to as "horse" which
was the inspiration for the title. This also, by the way, put me on a statewide database as a "drug abuser" and
that label will never leave me.    

JIGSAW PUZZLE

My life had become a puzzle
Five Thousand pieces
That needed to find their place
Scattered across a table
Some dropped to the floor
Tossed aside and stomped on
Tattered, torn, and crumpled
Carelessly, maliciously


Most people have no reson
To put such a puzzle together
Not knowing if it can be completed
You bravely took on the chllenge
Even the ones that seemed beyond repair
The pieces that contained my shattered heart
You painstakingly made the repairs
And gave me reason to hope


You gave me your heart
While you repaired mine
A puzzle within a puzzle
The pieces were crumbled and soaked with  tears
You dried them gently
And put the puzzle back together
Carefully, knowing how fragile it was
All the while teaching me to trust again


~Gaylene


This was written while I was wishing for someone that could help me trust again. After relationships that ended in the inability to trust, and thinking that I would never trust again, I desperately wanted the man in this poem. I wished for, wanted, even prayed for him to come into my life, while at the same time, I "knew" there was no one that would want me. As many of you know, I gave up on finding him, or anything else worthwhile to live for, then found my sweetest love. Funny how life works - especially when you think it just ISN'T working anymore.

MORE THAN ME

I am so much more than me
Close your eyes and tell me what you see

With your fingertips slowly feel my face
Eyes, nose, lips, chin, and ears
Continue to the back of my head
Run your fingers through my hair

Down my neck and beyond my shoulder
Pass my elbow to hold my hand
Interlace our fingers gently
Let me feel the strength of a man

Eyes still closed, with your other hand
Find your way to my heart
Feel the beat while we talk
How much do I tell, and where do I start

I've seen very few fields of clover
It's mostly been briers and thorns
Sometimes I try hard to fight back
Other times wish I was never born

I often sit in my corner rocking
Clutching my pillow and my dog
Don't ask me why, I probably don't know
Help me try to exit the fog

I am so much more than me
Open your eyes and tell me what you see

~Gaylene

This pretty much says it all. I am more than the labels doctors and shrinks try to pin on me. I am a person with a heart and feelings. This was written during a particularly dysfunctional relationship, and I'm so happy to be in such a loving partnership now.

FIGHTING THE DEMONS

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
And I've been told the truth can set you free
I've heard when one door slams another opens 
And if you love something you must let it be

When life dishes out a bowl of cherries
It's amazing who rushes to your side
But let that same bowl be filled with lemons
Most of them will scatter, run, and hide

We search the world for someone to complete us
And wish for such on first and falling stars
To have the one you know you can depend on
To be there when life just gets too hard

My grandmother once told me‚ Love is trust ~
And being there in times both good and bad‚
I know the road I've taken has been rocky
But where is he with that cliff ahead?

I'm aching to run and jump and soar
To whatever waits after this life
Give me hope, faith, and want to go on
Stop these tears burning like a knife

I'm not alone but lonely 
Not living but alive
Pushing, fighting back the demons
Grasping the instinct to survive

I'm the only one that can win this fight
Mute all the voices in my head
Telling me to drive off a cliff
Or fill my brain with lead

I don't know why this happens
My soul fills with such dread
I forget the good and beautiful
And just wish that I were dead

I want him just to hold me close
And take away my fears
Don't put me down ~ just understand 
Help me stop these tears

I want him, need him by my side
To love and pull me through this pain
Soon I can chase the rainbows
After this torrential rain.

 ~Gaylene

I wrote this one a few years back when I was going through a particularly hard time. Now that I've found the
"he/him" spoken of herein, it gives life a whole new purpose and gives me strength and reason to keep trying and
to keep going. I'm not saying I'm miraculously "healed," but there certainly is more hope and determination.

JEANNIE

I know that we have never met

But I've seen her before

She's a perfect combination

Of her mom and dad and more

Mom's mouth and dimpled cheeks

Around her daddy's nose

G.G.'s chin that has a cleft

Grammy's feet and Papa's toes

For the color of eyes

Go back three generations

There are lots of little quirks

From several relations

She stole my heart

And has my mothers name

Since she came into my life

Nothing's been the same

Time goes by so quickly

Too soon she'll be grown

She'll find a good man

Then have babes of her own

They will look familiar

These little ones so pure

Another generation

To show God's love is sure.

~Gaylene

I wrote this one last year shortly after Jeannie was born. It was such a thrill to witness her birth, and to become
a "Grammy". I love her so much, and she's grown so quickly. It's had to believe she is a whole year old today!
I love you my Jeannie! Happy Birthday!

DECEPTION

Old Fat Ugly Stupid Worthless
Your words stung my soul like pain I had never felt
But the truth is sometimes hard to take
So I believed you.
You must be right, so I'd hide and be grateful
Grateful that you allowed me in your life
Grateful that you let me try to take care of you
~even though I never was that good at it
I tried to live worthy of your love;
A difficult task for someone with my qualities:
Old Fat Ugly Stupid Worthless
Now I could easily qualify or disqualify your spatterings
They were echoes of lies from another man
Another that I thought loved me
One that caused more pain than you ever could
He too made me believe too young, that I would never be
Beautiful, Valuable, or Decent.
Amazing the lies you believe when you're six.
Or twenty-six.

~Gaylene

As you can probably tell, this one is another of my older poems. It still stirs up a lot of feelings for me, but
the good thing is that I've found the words to be false. Especially the first line. My sweetest love has
helped me find the good within myself. He has made me feel that I am intelligent, that I have a lot to contribute,
including my talents, my ability to love freely, and my empathetic nature. Just to name a few. He was definitely
worth a forty-five year wait. ~:o}

THE MOUNTAIN

I would sit and gaze upon the mountain

So strong and full of life

Beauty beyond words

Full of life and hope

Then one careless man

And the beauty was scarred

The similarities I found

My life, 

My hopes, 

My dreams

And a careless man

Scarred for life?

I think not

There is strength in me

And like the mountain

The life, 

The hopes, 

The dreams

Will slowly return

There is strength

A man cannot take that away

The scars will fade

The dreams will be fulfilled

The life will return

-Gaylene

This was written several years ago when the mountains in Tucson were aflame (I think it was spring of 2003) and I'd sit on my front porch and watch it. The destruction of the mountain was catastrophic. Now there's new life and not as many signs of the fire. This was my first attempt at writing after several years of nothing. It still means a lot to me, especially now that the last three lines are coming true.