THE MOUNTAIN

I would sit and gaze upon the mountain

So strong and full of life

Beauty beyond words

Full of life and hope

Then one careless man

And the beauty was scarred

The similarities I found

My life, 

My hopes, 

My dreams

And a careless man

Scarred for life?

I think not

There is strength in me

And like the mountain

The life, 

The hopes, 

The dreams

Will slowly return

There is strength

A man cannot take that away

The scars will fade

The dreams will be fulfilled

The life will return

-Gaylene

This was written several years ago when the mountains in Tucson were aflame (I think it was spring of 2003) and I'd sit on my front porch and watch it. The destruction of the mountain was catastrophic. Now there's new life and not as many signs of the fire. This was my first attempt at writing after several years of nothing. It still means a lot to me, especially now that the last three lines are coming true.

OPPOSITION

You have to know the happy for the sad
The angry for the glad
And la tee ta ta ta

I had to fear the words of a monster
To appreciate the serenity of yours

I had to feel anger and force behind a hand
To appreciate the gentleness of yours

I had to face the realms of death
To appreciate the life I feel in your arms

I had to go through hell
To appreciate the heaven you bring me.

 ~Gaylene

Of course, written for my sweetie. He gives me so much inspiration, and somehow the pain of 
yesteryears is erased, and the wonderful beauty of how life is supposed to be. I waited forty-five
years to find him, and am looking forward to forever with him, in this life and beyond.

E-14

gazing in your eyes
lying in your arms
i could be in a field
of wild flowers
or a brier patch
for i am oblivious
my soul feels divine
dancing with yours
as if nobody was watching
our bodies
making love
embracing
or sitting close holding hands
alone
or in a roomful of people
it is just you and me
you are my safe place
my friend
and my love
i want to learn from you
grow with you
live with you
love with you
give to you
be with you.
how and why
where and when
we met through angels
the time was right
conditions perfect
as they were meant to be.
the trust i thought
i'd never feel
the love i thought
i'd be afraid to accept
all in one beautiful package
the oyster's pearl
my perfect gem.
Love
the word alone
does no justice
for my feelings
i beyond love you
i am yours alone
as you are mine
gods and angels
sing for our union.
a tune i pray never ends.

~Gaylene

This poem I wrote for my sweet love shortly after we met. The feelings are the same, but stronger. It's been five months since we met, but it feels like five eternities. I feel like I've known and loved him forever, as I will continue to know and love him forever.

CHEMICAL LOBOTOMY

My doctors have prescribed for me

A chemical lobotomy

To take away the pain and fears

That have plagued me for so many years

When I go into a rage or panic

Two little pills will do the trick

These same two stop and block my dreams

So I don't wake to fits and screams

Another pill will mute the voices

That make me think I have no choices

But to pull my hair, cut, and burn my skin

One more to fight the voices within

Two to level the roller coaster ride

Of two moods and two sides

I often wonder which is worse

The so called illness or the cures

My mind is taken away from me

Just memories of who I used to be

Flashbacks in time run through my brain

But here and now briefly remain

Someone helps with street crossing

Another takes me grocery shopping

When I go for a walk, wander, and roam

A special dog will find my way home

There's a problem if I walk too much

My feet cramp and burn with the slightest touch

There is no pill or cure for this pain

So I illegally smoke and my consciousness drain

If this drug was one they could dispense

My doctors would give it without hesitance

Epilepsy and various other ills

Provide another handful of pills

When the cures and diagnoses have taken me

I will simply no longer want to be

Through the mercies of the gods or my own hand

I'll exit this life for one more grand

This solution that to me seems most kind

For myself and those I've left behind

Of all the things I've ever lost

My mind has has been the greatest cost

~Gaylene

I wrote this one a few weeks back, after thinking about the 17 different medications my doctors have me on for various reasons. Some of them are to counteract side affects of other meds, and others are for their own purposes. The biggest bitch of all of it is I just found out that the Dr. who diagnosed me with dementia (which lead to the Alzheimer's diagnosis) SIX MONTHS ago, also prescribed a medication to take daily that I just found out a couple days ago isn't supposed to be taken regularly for more than THIRTY DAYS, or it can cause IRREVERSIBLE confusion, coordination problems, and memory loss.  Great job doc!!

THE COLORS OF MY LIFE

In a former life
the only colors I knew were primary.
Red was my anger,
Yellow my fear,
Blue my outlook

Then my gift of love~
God sent me you
and a whole new spectrum was revealed
filled with pastels and light.

What are the colors of love?
And acceptance?
And joy?
You say that I am beautiful,
Yet you have no clue ~
Beautiful
are the colors brought by you.

 ~Gaylene

I was just having a discussion with my sweetie, and he asked "Imagine if there were a whole other
spectrum of colors that our simple minds cannot comprehend" or something like that. It reminded me
of this poem, written some years back, and the meaning behind it now, as I post it anew.

CHASING THE OASIS

Running through the desert

toward what?

away from what?

Slow to a walk

am I safer now?

or less energetic?

I must keep going.

forward, onward

no going back.

My goal is in sight.

trees, green grass

water? water!

An oasis on the horizon

keep going forward

rewards are in sight

There I can refresh

the long journey over

finally rest

The reward for the toil

no more struggle

just peace

Why aren't I getting closer

it stays on the horizon

no matter how far I crawl

An oasis, a mirage?

like expecting gold

after chasing rainbows

There is no plush green land

just as there is no gold

and no water

Chasing an oasis

I've come to far to go back

and too far to go on

Why even take the trip

to chase mirages and lies

believing, gullibility

What is the great reward?

to perish in the sun and sand

exhausted by useless travel?

Convince me to go on

where am I going

and why bother

~Gaylene

 This one was written during a time of questioning faith and spirituality. I was questioning my own purpose and worth. Life has been a Hell for so long, that even the thought of hope seemed ridiculous. So, if there's no belief in hope in this life or another, why stay in this one? I'm very happy to say that I've come to terms about what I believe and who I am. I am filled with hope now that I have found true purpose in life. Love can heal so many wounds.

FINDING LOVE

She was a sweet young woman, searching for the love she knew would be hers alone.  She believed in
love more strongly than any material item.  Perhaps because she longed for love more than anything
else in the universe.  There must be one that will love her, protect her, and bring peace to this sweet
young soul.  So young, so naive, and so beautiful. 

As she searched, lovers came and left.  Some, like a flash in the pan, came and went without much
of a thought.  Others stayed for a while, but proved not to be the love she searched and longed for.
There were those that moved on peacefully, while others left her bruised, scarred, and leery of her
search.  Search she did, determined that she would never give up.

As with all of us, time goes by and the beautiful, naive young woman grew older, and experience
had made her wiser.  The body was much older than her years, and had been through so much.  It
looked haggard and tired from time and turmoil.  She began to believe that love was never to be hers.
Her mind was going, and she believed there would be no one on this planet who would think the
failings and scars of her body and mind  were worth the trouble to have any kind of relationship with her.
There wasn't anything she could do about the physical and emotional scars.  The scars of the body weren't
so bad, only because it was a temporary vessel and were not who she was.  It used to look like her, sort
of, but that seemed like many years ago.

Her mind; however, was scrambled, weak and weary.  She had moments of clearheadedness, times when
she felt alive, youthful, and most importantly - hopeful.  Mostly they were just that - moments.  Mostly she
felt like she was losing her mind, and perhaps she was.

She heard voices that no one else could hear, and they mostly told her to harm herself.  Their favorite was
burning, telling her to find or make something hot, so she could hold it on herself long enough to make
the burns deep, and the scars hideous.  Surprisingly, the burning didn't hurt, in fact it was almost euphoric.
She enjoyed feeling the heat against her skin.  It seemed like it was the only thing she would ever feel.
There would be no warmth from a love next to her, no heart warming glances, or games of footsies.  There
would be no one to hold her tight, and make love with her.  She simply gave up.

She had come to a point where she was feeling especially tired, ready to give up, and leave the earth on
which she was living.  It was a night of a full moon, when the day and night were almost in perfect
balance.  The voices were especially strong that night, and encouraged her to burn herself until she bled
to death.  She tried, she burned eight new scars into herself, but she didn't bleed.  Then the voices were
telling her to take a bunch of the medicines all of her doctors had her on, to take hands-full of everything,
and that was a lot of medicine!  Suddenly she heard a voice of a woman, a beautiful voice that reminded
her of her mother.  She was saying to call Adrian -  he worked at the office of one of her many doctors
he could be trusted, so she made the call.  He was sending her to the hospital, maybe that would help this
time.  If not, she'd find another way when she got out.

She felt like she was in hell.  The voices were screaming at her to find another way immediately, even in
the hospital.  She found ways, but had met someone.  She could talk to him about so many things.  He
was intelligent, interesting, good looking, and more importantly, he was interested in seeing her more
after they got out of the hospital.  They had a lot of the same interests.  He enjoyed classic movies and
books, was interested in things she had written, and mostly made her smile a lot, and feel young.

At last, she found him. He was "the one."  The one she had searched for and could only dream of
until now.  She saw so much in his eyes, truth, love, tenderness, and so much more... she could see
eternity and beyond.  When he held her, she could hear the Gods and Goddesses of the Universe
singing with their angels at the joy of this union, while their beautiful young souls danced as one.
She found her Heaven in the very depths of Hell.  This was the love she knew was hers alone.
Finally she was loved, cherished, and accepted.  What a wonderful feeling that was.  She'd heard
of it, believed it could happen, but in her latter years figured it was just not to be.  Not in this lifetime.
Not for her.

As their love grew, so did the reasons for love.  She found renewed purpose in her life, renewed life in
her purpose.  It all started to make so much sense.

This is very autobiographical. I wrote it shortly after I met my sweetest love. He has inspired a lot of my recent writing and
creativity, as well as giving new meaning to some of my older work.

PRINCESS

You are the daughter of a king

That's why I call you my princess

God in Heaven created you

And sent you to me, my life to bless

He knew I wasn't perfect

Before He chose me as your mother

He also knew I could learn and grow

And love you like no other

He knew we'd share some growing pains

And struggles along our way

But my love for you has only grown

With every passing day

I want to be a better mom 

The one on whom you can depend

You can talk to me about anything

My love for you will never end

He created and loved you first

And sent you to me as a Heavenly Gift

I pray for you, and love you so

This love gives my spirit a lift

So my princess, daughter of The King

I am honored Our Father chose me

I am so proud to be your mom

My love will grow throughout eternity.

~Gaylene

This was written a few years back for all four of my daughters. The main purpose was an attempt to communicate to them that they were the precious gems of my life - a gift from Heaven that I cherished, and wanted to show how honored I was (and, by the way, still am) to be their mom. Happy Birthday Shalla, my oldest daughter, and one of these gems in my life.

SENSES

Hear

Leaves rustling in the wind

      As the sounds change

      Moment by moment

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

See

Clouds making shapes in the sky

      Morphing from mushrooms into dogs

      Then from dogs into seahorses

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

Smell

The air after a good rain

     Scents of cleanliness

     Sweet smells of new blossoms

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

Touch

Cool water rushing through fingers or toes

      In a river or waterfall

      As if it has an urgency to be someplace else

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

Taste

Wild berries freshly picked

      Eating by the handfuls

      Refreshingly sweet and juicy

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

To hear, see, smell, touch, and taste you

Being held and feeling safe, beautiful and loved

     Our connection could only
     Be made by the Heavens

Sensations from the Gods reaffirming their presence

A reminder of their power

~Gaylene


This one I wrote after I began a search for unity with the universe.  It came to me after a beautiful period of meditation, and to me, it speaks with a lot of power.

S. A. M.

We search the world over for our one true love
And we call them our soul mate
But what of our truest friends
The one who is there when so called love fades
Or we see the ugliest side 
Of the one we thought was made for us.

What of the friend that feels your pain
Knows everything about you 
And loves you anyway
When there is no romantic
Or sexual desire
But all you feel for them is love

This is not something to cheapen
By calling them a friend
The nearest thing to compare it to is sister
But even siblings fight bicker and estrange
I've often wondered the best term for such a relationship
Then I heard of Soul Twins

I find it the most accurate and beautiful phrase
To describe my feelings for you.
You feel my pain, understand me like you are in my mind
And listen to my woes and advise as needed
The Universe put us together as it would lovers
But as sisters, in the most beautiful way

I believe you are my soul twin
Forever to be sisters and friends
There is no force that can separate us
Either in this life or another
We will always have each other
With the inseparable bond of souls.

 ~Gaylene

Whenever I look back on my life, whether in times of joy, sadness, celebration, or trauma, there is one person that has been
there for me. She has held me up, kept me grounded, laughed, cried, advised, and listened quietly. Nobody in my life has
been as loyal to me as she. I have called her my "sister" for almost a quarter of a century, and this is a tribute to her. Today,
on her birthday, I want to celebrate her life, and how she has touched mine. I love you Sam, Happy Birthday!! 

OF US

Your eyes
Are they windows
To your soul?
Or a reflection
Of mine?
Or both?

There is such light
And color 
Dancing
Twirling
Jumping
Laughing
As if celebrating
A union
Or a reunion
Perhaps something even greater 
A physical consciousness 
A recognition 
Of something 
That has always been 
Will always be 

Two separate physical beings
Learning as individuals 
And as one 
Sharing 
What we wonder 
What we learn 
What we feel 
What we believe 
Where we have been 
Where we are 
Where we wish we were 
Where we are going 
Who we are 
Who we are supposed to be 
Why we are here 
Why we stay 
How we live 
How we've lived 
How we love 
How we've loved 
How we've won 
How we've lost

The magic and mystery 
Of love 
Of life 
Of us.

~Gaylene

I met my sweet love Alex in what was for me, the Depths of Hell. For once in my life I have a partner in pure love. Someone said that when you find the one you would die for, you've found the one to live for. He is that to me. Posting this on The Day of Love is my tribute to him. Happy Valentine's Day my love!!

PINK RIBBONS

In my hair for a first grade picture - simplicity

On white paper wrapping toasters and blenders - incipiency

For my princess's flower girl dress - innocence

In mother's memory - forlornness

and then...

The universal symbol of me -

Mutilation

Consternation

Abandonment

and finally...

Determination

Omnipotence

Survivor

~Gaylene

Reposted for my 11 year remission anniversary, which is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

This is one of my favorite poems that I have written. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer just days after my 34th birthday, I had surgery, a combination of three chemotherapy medications, and six weeks of intensive radiation therapy (which not many people realize causes 2nd and 3rd degree burns). My doctor declared that I was in remission just before my 35th birthday, and have been in remission ten years now; this is in no small part due to the support of my sister, my children, and many other family and friends who helped me stick it out and muster through.